The same music pounds in your head each and everyday, the same computer screen stares back at you, not giving anything, not taking. The randomizing has ceased and been replaced by absolute randomizing; a pattern of doing the same things due to not having anything to do.
New friends are scary, but somehow always "better" than the old, probably because you don't know anything about them. But these girls are sweet, focused and not like me. I will surrender to their influence and "change". I am already a better person because I have decided this. My mind often tells me I'm hallucinating. My mind has also decided not to listen to itself. I now listen to somebody else. I sometimes tell myself I can't hear. But this is me hallucinating again. But I don't listen to myself when I tell myself I'm hallucinating. Telling myself wouldn't really help anyway, because I can't hear.
I don't listen to what I say anymore. I listen to what I think. I'm discerning between the two types of thought these days. The thoughts you think and the thoughts that occur. I suppose the thoughts you think are the second stage of the thoughts that occur; like the egg and then the larvae; which means I'm differentiating two things I can't differentiate; like black skin and white skin. But you CAN tell black skin from white skin, although we choose not to. But I choose now to decide which thoughts of mine move from the "occur" stage to the "think" stage. These are MY thoughts, which lead to actions which are MY actions, and they are MINE and I have every right to decide which thoughts go where. I have every responsibility to myself, the people I love, the community I belong to, and the rest of humanity itself, to decide which thoughts go where.
You see, I really AM growing up.