I have a problem. Well of course I have a problem, but that's not what I mean, I really have a problem. I don't have anything to write about; and that has hindered me from keeping my oath to write at least a sentence each day.

I just realized I lied. I DO have things to write about; it's just that I can't be bothered with spending time thinking about these things enough to write an interesting post.

1. An issue popped up recently about just how personal these public posts should get. I started the argument staunchly supporting not giving a shit what you say where as long as you're comfortable saying it, but realized that I had to change my stance once it was made clear that although I'm generally ok with saying anything anywhere, I'm not okay with handling whatever (unpleasant) repercussions being an 'open-book' might have.
   
2. Identity. Gehan talks about it in "Pardon Me, But Who Am I Again?". I'm not really concerned with the race, the caste, the language, the type of music you listen to etc., but the last quote from the bat-man-guy is close to what I've been thinking about. What would be the better measure of a person? What he or she IS or what he or she aspires to be? I wanted to base an argument for Writing Skills on this, but my lecturer thwarted the idea. I believed that a person would be better measured by what he or she aspires to be than by what he or she has already done. But does a murderer aspire to be a murderer? So then it seems to follow that it's better to measure a person by what he or she does. Right? Wrong. Because what a person does is not limit to actually doing it, it also involves justifying it. So it's possibly better to look at why a person does/has done something before you measure them. This kid at Bible class put it nicely today. A friend of his has a weird form of encouragement apparently. He just says "why do you do it"? Some of you will understand the beauty of this, some of you may not. What we are is defined by what we believe in; our reasons for living.
   
3. We also discussed punishment at youth today. Why are people (children specifically) punished? What does it achieve? Is it effective? I propose rewarding 'good' things as opposed to punishing 'bad' things. Positivity always seems to work. I've read a little about this in terms of behavioural psychology for school, but obviously haven't read enough to actually say anything about it or develop a strong personal opinion. Not that I have a strong personal opinion about anything
   
4. Homo-sexuality has been addressed in my hearing at least four times in different environments this week, it's funny.
   

Ah… for time to discourse!

Choices

Honestly, University is not something I'm doing by choice. It's something I've been forced to do because of something I promised myself sometime back. The time between my ALs and University entrance was spent in search of "what to do next". The decision was that if I found something worthwhile (i.e. a full scholarship to music school in the US or something similar) I would be allowed to take that path; if not, I would to the Special Degree and get a BA from the University of Peradeniya. This was in order to please my mother and the rest of family because I remembered the disappointment they suffered at my OL results. I didn't wanna let them down ever again. So, that time between my ALs and University entrance was spent searching, but nothing was found. (Actually, an almost-full scholarship to the US was found, but a sense of patriotism and the fact that the school wasn't all that good led me to decline the offer.) So, I was left to keep my word to myself and start Uni.

Two months down the line, I'm looking at the whole experience and I'm still seeing it objectively. It's not as awesome as I expected it to be. It's not as "unforgettable" as people said it would be, and I can't see how I could have "regretted" not doing it, but it's ok. I'm learning something; here and there.

But I still wanna play piano. I want to be able to drown in the strength of my fingers. I want to be lifted up on Mozart's genius. I want to be enveloped in the darkness of Beethoven. I want to be lost in Sculthorpe. I want to be recreated by Blake. I don't even mind some Chopin at this point. But I can't.

It's not that I can't play the piano anymore; it's just that I can't play as well. I know this might be just 'making excuses', but honestly, to play the way I want to play, I need to put in more time than I can afford at this point. It's not that I chose it. I just chose it. I didn't realize that university would mean no more six to eight hours of sweat-inducing, heart-wrenching, gut-pouring piano. I didn't want this. And I don't want to be just another 'somebody' who plays the piano. I don't care what this sounds like, but I'm more than that with my soul on my fingers.

So don't act like I chose this. I chose this, but not by choice.

Resolution

In sticking to the resolution I made last night, I got out of bed and switched the computer on to write my sentence for the day. The result was this.

Breaking glue

I'm procrastinating. I'm lazy. Like my only real lecturer says, I'm too self-indulgent. I'm going to write at least a sentence every night. I swear.