Honestly, University is not something I'm doing by choice. It's something I've been forced to do because of something I promised myself sometime back. The time between my ALs and University entrance was spent in search of "what to do next". The decision was that if I found something worthwhile (i.e. a full scholarship to music school in the US or something similar) I would be allowed to take that path; if not, I would to the Special Degree and get a BA from the University of Peradeniya. This was in order to please my mother and the rest of family because I remembered the disappointment they suffered at my OL results. I didn't wanna let them down ever again. So, that time between my ALs and University entrance was spent searching, but nothing was found. (Actually, an almost-full scholarship to the US was found, but a sense of patriotism and the fact that the school wasn't all that good led me to decline the offer.) So, I was left to keep my word to myself and start Uni.
Two months down the line, I'm looking at the whole experience and I'm still seeing it objectively. It's not as awesome as I expected it to be. It's not as "unforgettable" as people said it would be, and I can't see how I could have "regretted" not doing it, but it's ok. I'm learning something; here and there.
But I still wanna play piano. I want to be able to drown in the strength of my fingers. I want to be lifted up on Mozart's genius. I want to be enveloped in the darkness of Beethoven. I want to be lost in Sculthorpe. I want to be recreated by Blake. I don't even mind some Chopin at this point. But I can't.
It's not that I can't play the piano anymore; it's just that I can't play as well. I know this might be just 'making excuses', but honestly, to play the way I want to play, I need to put in more time than I can afford at this point. It's not that I chose it. I just chose it. I didn't realize that university would mean no more six to eight hours of sweat-inducing, heart-wrenching, gut-pouring piano. I didn't want this. And I don't want to be just another 'somebody' who plays the piano. I don't care what this sounds like, but I'm more than that with my soul on my fingers.
So don't act like I chose this. I chose this, but not by choice.
2 comments:
checkout something i wrote when i was where you are now...
http://harendra.blogspot.com/2005/09/would-have-beens_29.html
now, i may dare to call my self "the writer that became a business analyst"... but the writer's dreams still linger on... the desire... passion... is still there even though i sometimes feel that i am loosing it - again simply because i now hardly have the time to read or write (what i really want to read and write)...
i don't know whether it is always a good idea to follow your heart or take the risk of non-conformance... sometimes as in my case, our responsibilities towards others make us compromaise our own desires and surpress the soft voice in our hearts... and i don't know how dearly i will have to pay for making these compromises...
wow... all that genius thrown away for the sake of a mediocre, unexciting life! True what Tryer says there about not looking back, but i can't help thinking:
why do some of us choose to search for water when we already have the fire to light an altar, or even the world? why do we recognize our full potential but not do anything to achieve it?
it seems to me that its a fear of the unknown... why are we afraid to bring down walls and just get "out there" ???
gosh, and it's funny in a pathetic way to think of you as a "business analyst". no offence :)
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