Spitting out the demons

This blog is not dying. Because I am angry and I have a headache, which means I'm inspired again.

I am angry. I say I am angry because my eyes hurt and I'm sleepy, but I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I'm thinking about how fucked up my life is. I think this is the glitch cus my life is NOT fucked up. I am an average teenager with a million stupid problems and I love to think that my problems are the biggest, so I just believe my life is fucked up whereas it really is not. I'm going around in circles. But then again, that's okay since I can't go around in squares. So I will go around in circles and possibly ovals thinking about everything in my life which has the potential to be fucked up, but is really not, as long as I choose not to label it "fucked up".

The "fucked up" cycle: A cycle can't start anywhere but I will start with what's foremost in my head right now (always). It can't be mentioned. The second thing on my mind is the same as the first and thus can't be mentioned. I am going to be elusive and call it illusive. The Ego. My ego is in pain. Oh poor dear darling. But my ego is in pain because I have subconsciously chosen to keep it in pain. But if I am consciously aware that I have subconsciously chosen to keep it in pain, then I can consciously decide to undo this subconscious decision right? Wrong. Well, right. So I have consciously decided to undo the subconscious decision, but at the same time I have also subconsciously decided not to give in to my conscious. Which is probably the stupidest move a human (or animal) mind can make, but that's called imperfection. Or the subconscious. It's a vicious fucking cycle you see. But I know where it started. It started with not listening to what mamma says and getting laid. See when you get laid, the sucker keeps taking you somewhere you've been before but you feel like you haven't been. You're tripping. And you can't get out of the trip because when the trip is falling in love, then getting out of the trip is falling out of love. But you can't fucking fall out of love. So you get on another trip called falling out of love. And this trip involves falling in love again. But this time you can't be sure if you're actually falling in love or just tripping. But then since falling in love is anyway a trip, you're always tripping. The only thing you can know is the only thing you keep coming back to. You're still in love. With sucker no.1

This leads to sucker no.2 who is still very much amazing. But this is crazy because that sucker no.2 is really a sucker, and not just somebody who gets called a sucker out of a sense of "sour grapes". So fuck that. Another conscious subconscious denial of the conscious. This 'alliteration' of words helps to create a sense of the confusion inside my head.

Which in turn leads to sucker no.3. This one made me realize that once you get bitten once, it gets worse every next time you get bitten. This is a pathetically sad truth. Yet it would be a very happy truth if this was universal, which I am not yet sure about. I think I'm going to conduct a poll on this, and see if it's universal. But I'm thinking natural selection will leave sucker no.3 out of this whole thing. I am aware that I am confused about nothing. There are only two possibilities and I know which possibility is wiser to accept, based on the healthier nature of its outcome, but this is conscious, and my subconscious is the one that rules.

I am angry that I allow myself to be consciously ruled by my subconscious, but then again, don't we all?

I am happy that writing helps.