I just woke up. Sleep still clings to my skin and drips from my eyes… its freezing and my mums gonna kill me if she sees me at the computer. But I have to have to say something that happened last night. I got a phone call. From one of those angelic people I wake up thinking about that I mentioned yesterday. She said "Nam, are you like, busy or something?" and I said "No ma, what's up?" and she started crying. And she cried and she cried and she cried so hard it scared me. I thought she went out with somebody she shouldn't have gone out with. It scared me. But she was crying, and that was all that was important. What made her cry was not important, and what I was gonna say was not important. What was important was the fact that she was crying like I hadn't heard her cry since fifth grade, and she was letting it out. After recovering from the initial heartache of listening to her I ventured to ask what was wrong. It was worse than I thought.
This would not be her definition of it, but I think what was wrong was the fact that half this frigging world is so damned ignorant. Let's call her K.
- K's mum has problems with the sister-in-law. And/or vice-versa.
Now when adults have problems they need to keep them to themselves, and not get the children involved. When did anyone with a milligram of caring sit her niece down and tell her how horrible her mother is? When did a grown woman – and a mother at that – begin to think it within her decency to tell a nineteen-year-old girl that her mother is a conniving bitch who stole from her husband and her husbands' family and just did 'whatever' with that money? When did a normal human being tell a daughter that her mother kept the other children hungry? When did anyone with a brain think it was diplomatic to say "you don't have to pick"? When in fucking hell did you bitch on a kid's mother with her and expect support?
I think this aunt is fucking crazy and I need to bitch on her, and that's all I'm doing cus K won't because…
- K lives to make others happy.
Does nobody realize that happiness is not given as a gift but simply generated? And what's the deal with keeping bitches and fucking do-good-ists happy? It's not possible to keep that type happy and if you're trying lemme tell you – it's a waste of time. So your aunt baby-sat you when you were tiny. So she kept you in her bleeding mansion during high-school and let you use the pool and the garden club and whatever else was there to entertain your friends. So fucking WHAT if she kept telling you your family was not right and your dad was this and your mum was that and you were the offspring of 'bad' people? Of course, she's doing all this out of the goodness of her heart and it had nothing, NOTHING to do with feeling good about herself. I'm sure.
One thing though, this aunt has understood one of the fundamental laws of life – in the end it's just you for yourself and only you. Alone. So making other people happy gets you nowhere unless you're happy yourself. It's just so goddamned obvious, how come the rest of the world isn't as smart as me to realize this? Because…
- Some people study the wrong things.
What's the deal with being a doctor or an engineer? What's the deal with Science and Law? Its sad how the world we live in is still so trapped in its' mediocre ideas of 'education'. I still get looks when people hear about what I do and plan to do. If I wanna just bleed my fingers on the piano and sing my heart out for a cause and remain a broke-ass kid for the rest of my life, it's my deal isn't it? I don't wanna be a doctor "like my mother" because I got the inside dig and she's not happy. I don't wanna be a lawyer because I can't give my kids law. Fuck the law. I was made to break it. I wanna give my kids music; I wanna give the whole world music. The real stuff that makes your insides bubble, just like that. K wants to give the world her peace. She wants to talk. Because talking and letting things out helps sort out the problems and she wants to sort out the problems. The big ones. Like war and peace. (Yeah, peace is a problem but we'll talk about that later.) So what she'll not make as much money as she would if she went to med school? She'd still be happy. Cus she's doing something that helps her to achieve a goal she believes is worth it.
You got to believe in what you do man, that's how you get rich. That's how you get happy. Why can't grown 'mature' adults understand this? Because…
Oscar Wilde knew it when he said:
"I am not young enough to know everything"
I don't know what I'm trying to say. All I know is that K's mum is one of the most amazing women I know, and some fucking aunt with a brain the size of a peanut (or no brain at all) is just not worth getting upset over. Especially since she's got a brain the size of a peanut. And the laws of life should not allow people with a brain the size of a peanut to make the most amazing people on earth cry like my angel did yesterday.
Oh fuck the world again!
Bleeding short-story to write also…
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